As a person with Ulcerative Colitis, I find myself in the men’s room, both public and private, more than your average bear. As such, I’m more aware of those annoying – and outright disgusting – quirks of men’s room etiquette. The bathroom, the can, the loo, the crapper, the shitter, whatever you want to call it, you need to respect it.
With that being said, I’ve compiled a list of the ten biggest rules that should be permanently engraved in a nice visible plaque on the door and in our minds. I’m sure most of these can relate to the ladies’ room as well, except for the obvious ones (at least I really hope they aren’t an issue…). They are in no particular order as they are all of equal importance.
1. Verbal and audible (i.e. gaming or listening to music) cellphone usage should never occur even near the washroom, let alone directly inside the sacred confines. Not only do I not want to hear your conversation while in deep concentration, but the person you’re conversing with doesn’t want to hear my conversation with the porcelain either.
2. When I really have to, erm, take a load off and sit for a while, I don’t want to wait for you to finish peeing in the stall because you’re too self-conscious about your ‘lil man being, well, ‘lil. We have urinals for a reason, gentlemen, grow a set, keep your eyes forward, and there won’t be any embarrassment.
3. If you ignore the second clause by choice or necessity, at least take the courtesy to lift the seat. I don’t want to sit in a puddle of your piss, just as I’m sure you wouldn’t appreciate me peeing all over your toilet (and often surrounding area) in your own home. If you do have an aiming incident, use the toilet paper provided to rectify the situation.
4. Whether it’s a urinal or the stall, please flush. At the very least I don’t want to take a wee and get potential splash back from your leftover dribble, and should it be a number two, I simply just don’t want to look at, or smell, what you had to eat in the past twenty four hours.
5. Don’t whistle, hum, tap your toes, and especially do not talk. The men’s room is not a social arena, nor do we as men have the bathroom pack mentality. Give a polite nod and maybe a soft-spoken “hey,” but leave it at the politeness. If you see a buddy in a chance encounter of that nature, chances are you can arrange a more suitable meeting elsewhere. This somewhat ties in with the first point as well.
6. This is more or less a message to proprietors of public restrooms. When it comes to the design and construction of these public facilities, put on a door. I don’t want all of Wal-Mart to know I have explosive diarrhea because I had a bad fish taco, nor does the little old lady in the checkout want to know either.
7. If the stall door is closed, there’s a substantially large chance someone is behind the door in a venerable state. If you’re unsure – perhaps you can’t see a pair of feet with pants obscuring the footwear – then make a light courtesy knock. Don’t try and force the door open, and especially don’t keep trying. A friend of mine had this happen to him where not only did the culprit attempt to barge in, but continued after a nervous “um, somebody’s in here.” Not only that, but the culprit actually gained entry, saw my poor buddy doing his business, and left leaving the door wide open! Talk about being caught with your pants around your ankles.
8. Not everybody washes their hands after every facility use, but for the sake of easing people’s minds, do it in the public restrooms. At the least you can get rid of any picked up germs and/or fecal matter from third parties, but on top of that I won’t be apprehensive to have physical contact with you later.
9. If your nostrils have some excess baggage, don’t pick your nose and wipe it all over the walls. I work in an industrial plant, and this is a sadly common occurrence. You have toilet paper literally inches away from you and a disposal system under your ass. Use the tools provided, you effing sloth of a hillbilly.
10. I don’t care that AC/DC rocks, that Kyle is gay, or much care for your dirty limerick with poor spelling. Graffiti is in literally every public washroom I can ever remember, and once you scratch “you’re a fag” into metal with your car keys, it’s there pretty much for good. If you’re yearning for an outlet for your thoughts, then you better start a blog or keep a diary, because we don’t want to hear it, nor does Joe the Janitor want to scrub it out daily.
There are many things that simply shouldn’t be done in the temple of bodily functions, too many to ever mention. But before you piss on a toilet seat, wipe your booger on the wall, scroll with a sharpie or your keys that your buddy’s mom has a nice rack, or have a boisterous conversation with an acquaintance, just imagine it being done in your own bathroom when you’re taking a momentary escape. As human beings, shouldn’t we respect one another? Is that just too much for some?
It’s Been… Quite some time since I’ve contributed to the well-being of my own little domain here, but I can assure you it’s all been done with nothing but the best intentions.
Few actors in film can say they’ve worked with the likes of six decades worth of stars ranging from James Dean, John Wayne, Marlon Brando, Peter Fonda, right up to Keanu Reeves and Kelsey Grammar. Dennis Hopper was one of those few. A true American legend of film has passed away yesterday due to complications from prostate cancer at his home in Los Angeles surrounded by his loved ones.
We’ve all heard of Big Foot, the Loch Ness Monster, and other creatures of myth from around the world. But what about the Omajinaakoos? Translated, the word means “The Ugly One” and comes from the Northern most reaches of Ontario. The little monster is believed to be a bringer of bad omens when seen, which according to the locals of Kitchenuhmaykoosib Inninuwug hasn’t been for no less than fifty years. Fifty years until earlier this month when a pair of outdoor tourists found a rodent-like creature floating face down in the local waterways (pictured left).
Then what is being inpatient? I’ve been eagerly awaiting today, March 23, as the expanded Beta for ![In All Thy [GENDER NEUTRAL] Command](http://www.soft-parade.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/thysonscommandlogo.jpg "In All Thy [GENDER NEUTRAL] Command")
Once again I’ve been caught up in the rat race that is life and neglected The Parade. It’s all with good reason mind you as these last few months have been quite the ride. The high-and-low of it all is that I am now engaged with a child on the way and have started a new job at Future Shop (Best Buy Canada) in New Minas, Nova Scotia. With all of that it’s been a little more difficult to find the time to put into ranting and musing online, but with my schedule ironing itself out a little more it seems I have some more time to get back to what I do best.
I’ve been an Aerosmith fan as long as I can remember. The 70′s just wouldn’t have been the same without Aerosmith, one of the most successful and long-lasting Rock bands in history. But sometimes fame, money, and egos can ruin the most beautiful art form of all and leave five talented musicians bickering at each other as if they were in a 10th grade highschool band fighting over who the band leader is.
Most of us live our lives tightly woven in the embrace of modern society. There are people like me who do manage to get away a few weeks in the year to the wilderness and throw off the shackles of technology and the conveniences of indoor plumbing and soft memory-foam beds, but even I am guilty of punching the clock and watching the world go by. Chris McCandless was an idealistic young man who shook off his shackles for good and set out to find himself and ultimately meet his end in the place he held so high.
Let me start this out by saying that I think everything coming from anyone should be questioned. Not because every story from the government is some kind of cover-up or because Jesus really did have kids, but because everything needs to be investigated fully so that we can understand things fully. With that being said, the so called “conspiracy theorists,” or as they themselves prefer, “truthers,” need to understand one simple fact. Not everything under the blue sky is a damn conspiracy, and if you were wrong, man up and admit it.
Usually I’ll take every new restaurant I try with a grain of salt (yes, the pun was intentional), but there’s only so far my taste buds and my patience can be pushed. Today my darling Gillian and I went out for a nice Sunday lunch at a place we haven’t tried before. We drove toward Coldbrook, Nova Scotia to try out one of the numerous restaurants we pass by when we drive toward the Coldbrook Drive-in Theatre and decided to stop off at The Gold Star Chinese & Canadian restaurant. We’re both huge fans of Chinese food and can never pass up a buffet. This place didn’t offer a buffet, but like I mentioned we were looking to try something different.
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